An open letter to my eating disorder
Dear Ed,
We have spent so many years together. You have been and probably will be such an influential factor for the rest of my life, and that scares me. I am scared for the negative effects you will inevitably have on me in the future. Yes, I am doing great now and have pushed you out of my life, but for how long? There isn't a minimum amount of time you will be gone.
It's crazy to think about how much I let you hurt me. Not only me, but caused my friends' and family's hearts to ache and yearn to take away something that had become a part of me. You led me to believe that I was nothing more than the numbers on the scale or the size of my jeans. You led me to believe that nobody would love me unless I was as thin as possible. You led me down a path that was dangerous, depressing, and so incredibly hard to escape.
But I have changed. I am no longer that 12 year old girl on the school bus whose self-esteem was destroyed because her best friend told her that some boy said she was "a big, tall, ugly fat girl." I am no longer that girl who starves herself trying to become something she's not. I am not that girl who strives to be as thin as possible when the boy she likes in 8th grade tells her she "is fat and needs to lose weight." I am no longer that girl who relies on restricting food in order to feel worth and control after the first guy she ever had a "fling" with told her he "didn't have a checklist or anything," but he was "looking for someone to take home to [his] family". I am not "damaged goods", no matter how hard you try to convince me of that.
I am not my eating disorder.
I am me. It has been a long journey and will continue to be one for the rest of my life. But just because it is difficult to keep you out doesn't mean I will stop fighting. I know what I am worth and that you do not control me anymore. I am more than the hurtful and immature comments that people have said about and to me. Even though you have been such a harmful and hurtful influence in my life, I thank you to some degree. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have relied so wholly on the compassion of my Savior. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned to love myself for who I am. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. Yes, you are my enemy. And yes, I know you will always be lingering in the corner, waiting for a moment of weakness when you can next take your aim. But I am ready. I have been through it before and made it out stronger than ever. So I will fight you, Ed. I will fight you with the power and love of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I will fight you with the love and support of my family and friends. I am not my eating disorder; and it has taken me a long time to realize that.
Yours truly,
Sara
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